Plunging Deeper into the World of Online Dating

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I started my week, with this lovely message: “You are hot, funny, pretty, charismatic and have an amazing body”  Thanks for that, my nameless online friend (may hap you need stronger glasses?) and I hope that you are still following my blog and that your upcoming dates go well. He also shared with me that several women, unasked, had  been sending him naked photos of their various lady parts!! Wow! Now, while I can naughty text as well as any man, I draw the line at sharing dirty pictures!!

Although, after receiving some  very specific requests for photos in the past, I have  generously shared pics of my lovely cat, Lola. That was upon the sage advice from my daughter.

Been another crazy week of online conversations. One dude had posted that he really loved “curvy women” and to “ask him about it.” So I did. It seems he has a fetish, I would call it that, for Dolly Parton boobs. Oy vey, having those must be  pure misery! Try finding a bathing suit that you can stuff those puppies in, really! He seemed not sufficiently pleased with what I had to offer, not that I was handing over any goodies to him. But for some obscure bizarre reason he continued to press me to join him in attending a Buddhist meeting because it would make me “happy”.  There are plenty of things that make me happy (good friends, family, movies, wine, chocolate, and of course shopping) and I have nothing against Buddhists, but it struck me as very odd. I replied that I would feel very uncomfortable sitting next to him while “feeling judged by my insufficient bra size.” Best of luck to you Mr. Bazonga-Boobie man!

Another gentleman commented on my good timing as to when I went on vacation, vis-a-vis the weather. He asked me, “Are you a meteorologist?” I said, “No, a psychic.” He replied, “That must come in handy.” I just couldn’t resist, I mean how  could I let that go (given how snarky I am). I quickly replied, “Especially in bed.” I think I scared him off. Oh well. He went by “Egg cream” so probably not right for me anyway. Too sweet!

From Coffee Meets Bagel(CMB):

I was chatted up by Richard who said I looked “Young, Beautiful and Amazing”. Given that he supposedly had his PhD from UT Austin, his English was surprisingly poor. He is incredibly handsome and he very quickly tried to get me off the dating site and onto WhatsApp. When questioned as to his country of origin, he admitted to coming from Portugal.

Multiple red flags: Too good-looking, poor English, not American, too many compliments, pushes to leave the website! Imagine my shock to discover CMB has determined that he too is being investigated!

Our Time:

George in NJ: “So nice to see a woman without bleached blond hair and excessive makeup. Kudos to you!”

How can I break George’s heart and tell him that my warm, lovely, brown hair color is the result of John’s great skill at Nourish Salon. Do check out his fabulous new space in Peekskill!

John (who I trust is still following my blog) suggested recently that my next career should be as a stand-up comedian. Thanks for that. It’s  definitely not easy for him to cut my hair while laughing. Both him and me! I guess that’s the effect I have on some folks.

And George, FYI, I always wearing makeup, even just to get the mail! I just can’t destroy his illusions, but I will gratefully and gracefully accept any and all compliments! Feel free, readers, to put them in the comment box below!

More From Coffee Meets Bagels

I was liked by a dude who said he was a general in the army. But not only couldn’t I find him online anywhere, but where he said the army base was located didn’t show up on any Google search. Unless maybe it’s a secret base. Maybe there are aliens stashed there. The kind from outer space of course! Big surprise: my “friend” the General’s account was just put on hold while CMB is investigating him! Oy.

Mark, supposedly in construction, asked me if I had “Found anyone yet that had stuck to my heart?” I immediately questioned his country of origin, I’m getting sly that way. He admitted to being from Australia. But they still speak the Queen’s English there, right? I told him that I was dating numerous men and he inquired as to my “level of intimacy” with other men.  And said he was “interested DEAR because I want to get to know you better.” I am not sure what answer he might have preferred, because even though he wanted to meet me, he wasn’t ready to tell me his FULL name. 😉 Too intimate perhaps?

Today Mark addressed a message to me: “Suzy My Darling”. Now no one but my daddy has called me Suzy and lived to tell about it. My much beloved late husband had to settle for Suz. He went on to share how having a crush, I think he means on me, has changed his entire life and how he views the world, like being underwater! Gosh do women ever really fall for lines like that?

Then Mark messaged me that, “it would terrible if we LOOSE each other.” What was truly terrible for Mark is that CMB just informed me that he is “now under investigation”. Why do I attract ALL the scammers?

More From Bumble:

I got “buzzed” by a good looking guy. When I asked what he did for a living, he replied “prison guard”. Now I’m not sure why, but that was definitely off-putting. I almost went out with a 38 year old auto mechanic whose nickname on Facebook was “Big Mikie”. My therapist Jane saved me from that error in judgment. But a prison guard? Not that I have anything against handcuffs…

One thought on “Plunging Deeper into the World of Online Dating

  1. stanjack

    OMG fabulous read… Yes Stand up comedian would be great… Love your quick remarks

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