Is honesty kind or cruel in the online dating world? It’s a conundrum. I have sent multiple brief and flirty messages to many guys over the past few months and usually never gave them a second thought. Too many men and so many different dating websites, I would need an excel spreadsheet just to keep track. One 60 year old guy wrote me back that I was “too old” another said we “were not a good match” with no explanation. A third was kinder and said he was looking for someone to “play golf and tennis with” and I was OBVIOUSLY not that individual.
My motto has been, in this very cruel online universe, to go for kindness. So, if I do respond to someone that I am not interested in, I usually preface it with “how sorry I am that you just live too far away”. Distance is a thing it seems. Guys in NYC will often not venture past a 5 mile radius. I guess they have so many options; attractive, smart, and sexy women there must obviously grow on trees.
Now a very unattractive dude has continuously sent me multiple messages and “flirts” over multiple months. This unfortunately was through one of the dating sites that I rarely check. Ironically, I had accidentally renewed my subscription by hitting the wrong button. While I have become open to dating men of assorted races, religions and ages, I cannot date a dude who does not know how to use grammar or spell check! A girl must have standards. His messages have escalated in hostility due to my ongoing silence:
- hey there how are you today? i know your not much into returning emails but i will say your pretty dam cute for what you are
- good morning, how are you today? guess you have so many messages,ya cant get back to me
- nice picture,are ya able to say hello?
- how are you tonight antisocial?
- hows it going lady?
- i find it strange that you cant take a moment to respond to a message,are you that rude to everyone?
- good morning,how are you today?
I have to give him some credit for remaining optimistic that I will EVER write him back. Crazy, right? I am totally at a loss now how to deal with this 57 year old gentleman. Any advice from my readers? If my silence has not been loud enough, what’s my best plan? I am afraid if I do engage with him, he will entrap me in an ongoing dialogue that will serve no purpose. Oy.
I hate to reject anyone outright, but sometimes I realize that some (ok most) men are not good options for me. And looks are never a key factor, for me, unless they are so obviously hideous. I find intellect and sense of humor very sexy and it amazes me how those alone can make an average-looking-Joe quite appealing.
But what choice do you have when you have been mislead? One guy told me, only after I was considering meeting him, that the picture on the dating site was just not of him. While he was not totally repulsive, it was clearly bait and switch. I found another gentleman very appealing, and we chatted for a few hours; he was a talented artist and I respect talent. I was about to suggest a date, when he sent me his most recent picture. It seems that the one on the dating site was 8 years old! And he had gained about 75 pounds; he was positively scary-looking. I suggested kindly that he burn that picture. He got defensive and told me that he always shares his updated picture before he meets a woman. But why then doesn’t he update the photos on the dating site? Where is the integrity?
And then there’s the charming bee-keeper from down- county. After not hearing from him for a few months, he recently informed me that he had been sidelined by a heart attack. But he was fine now and finally ready to meet. I requested a note from his doctor. He then texted me that he was doing so well in cardiac- rehab and it would be a shame if all his new-found muscles would go to waste. I suggested he reach out again to me once he graduates!
And insanely, I have a cute 41 begging me to go out with him so that I can instruct him “how to be an excellent lover.” Thanks M for the vote of confidence! Now while the teacher in me really wants to assist this poor lonely and sadly sexually frustrated gentleman and my Jewish soul always longs to do mitzvot, what about me screams slut? Perhaps I really need to remove the picture of me in that bathing suit?? 😥