The British Are Coming!

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I never (OK, rarely) write about actual dates, but this past weekend’s lunch date was a hoot! D is British (I LOVE a man with an accent) and in my rush to secure a date I told him how much I am totally an anglophile (mostly true). I am in love with British literature and TV shows. And who doesn’t love the Beatles? And that I really appreciate their insane sense of humor, in huge contrast to how reserved they often appear.  And I am indeed a Monty Python fan and if only he would do one of their routines for me. I requested the one that Mollie used to love to recite ‘The Undertaker’. D immediately replied that he would never do anything in public that might embarrass himself.

You cannot begin to imagine my astonishment to hear D hail me in the restaurant parking lot, as he stepped out of his silver Jag, wearing a brilliant scarlet red bishop’s outfit!  A character from Monty Python. I had thought I was staring at a real bishop, but it proved to be a Halloween costume. D is definitely the funniest person that I have ever met and that’s without sharing about the water pistols he brought. TMI.

We will be besties for life now, I am sure!  He continues to send me hysterical text messages which I could never share in public, sadly. Today, he even wrote me a limerick and if you know anything about limericks…they are very dirty!  And even better, he has agreed to be my “media adviser” and help me figure out the whole Twitter insanity, so I can get 20,000 followers like he has and enjoy the fame I so richly deserve!

Odd thing is that D thinks I’m the funniest person he has ever met too, so we have struck a deal (pinkie- swear which as everyone knows is legally binding) to write a workbook together on dating for the “Oldie, but not quite moldy set”. I suggested that we shoot for a podcast instead, he says we could do that too. Given my BFF already has 20,000 twitter followers (20,001 since I joined) I guess he is just more ambitious than I am.  Can’t you just imagine us online debating the merits of god-knows-what, D with his very elegant British accent, and me with my New York Jewish one?

In other online dating news, Zoosk just informed me that “Da Toad” from Bay Shore wants to meet ME. Now I have heard from several folks who know so much more than I can claim to about this online  dating racket, that I might have to kiss several frogs. But then there is always the unspoken hope that they just might turn into a prince. But I draw the line at toads!!

Funny that so many chubby guys want slender females, but with curves of course! They don’t get that it usually doesn’t work that way. Once I changed my profile from average to slender, I got way more “smiles”. That’s what I’m all about: dispensing happiness into the universe. And I had lost a few pounds which anyone who saw the bathing suit photo can testify!

What amazes me is the men who self-describe as having an athletic build but most obviously have a nice round belly. Hey I don’t mind a gut on a guy. Just dislike hypocrisy.

And weirdly, Zoosk and Match tell you who views your profile. So is it flattering or creepy that about a half dozen men are looking at my photos on a fairly regular basis? Stalking me?? Not like I have updated the photos since January. Guess I’m still spreading happiness into the universe, albeit inadvertently.

Other absolute turn offs:

  • Photos of guys with big fish. Yeah that really makes me gag.
  • Photos of guys topless unless they can really pull that off well. And come on, how many 60-plus dudes can?
  • Props in pics like motorcycles and horses. And guys who pose in front of planes getting ready to skydive or even worse in the air falling! Sue me, I have a fear of heights and the thought even petrifies me. Yeah you are SO virile, I get that!! Try for subtlety in the future please.

Pretty scenery and/or grandchildren are acceptable.

I love being outside: beach, mountains, long walks etc. But when they throw in camping and fishing on their profiles, ugh. Walking I enjoy, but not so much hiking and mountain climbing!  Oy vey. And, I prefer my fish well prepared and served to me, by a charming waiter, on a pretty plate. Sauce on the side preferably, so the bathing suit will still fit.

Yesterday, I was contacted by a very suave, handsome lawyer from NYC. His profile was short. He enjoys: “Foreign Films, Fine Dining, Reading, Love- making.” Of course my snarkiness got in the way and I asked “In that order?”

His response was that “I like sex the first on the list”  and “Invite me for a drink at your place.” You have to admire his confidence (chutzpah?)  And don’t think I wasn’t tempted!!

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